Being male, I’m naturally predisposed to being obsessed with all things scatalogical. Digusting things are hilarious, and hilarious things are usually disgusting.
One thing I’ve notices in TV and the movies is that when dudes are show standing at the urinal, they always seem to stande super close- like leaning on it. Ever notice that? It always bothered me. Personally, I like to hang back away from the porcelain a bit. This is for two reasons; A: I don’t care who sees my junk, and B: I don’t want to splash myself. I’ve noticed, however, that what I thought was a strange movie technique is actually a real occurence that I’ve been noticeing more and more recently- dudes huched up on the damn urinal. And I think it’s fucking bizzarre. Firstly, I don’t want to watch you piss, you paranoid, self-conscious homophobe. Don’t flatter yourself- I can control my wandering eyes. Secondly, I hope you didn’t piss-spray your shirt. (Actually, I kind of do hope you did. That’s comedy.)
I go through great effort to avoid people in the restroom, and, when possible, always abide the unspoken rule of not “pulling up” next to someone at the urinal bank. This is impossible at the bathroom at my work, because there are only two urinals. So if I see that someones already at one, I take my sweet time ambling over there, and if someone pulls up next to me, I make as hasty a getaway as possible. Thursday, however, I came across an awkward, unavoidable situation. A dude held open the door for me (you have to unlock the bathroom with your respective office key, which is a pain in the ass), so I had no choice but to split the 2 urinals with him. I had a bunch of coffee and waiting was not an option. Not only does the dude employ the afforementioned “Lean In The Urinal” style, but he strikes up a conversation with me. God damn it. He said something like “They should put flatscreen tvs in from of these things,” to which I barely replied, “Huh, yeah.” But he didn’t stop there. Of course, I didn’t pay attention to him, but the whole altercation still disrupted my concentration. He literally attemped to converse until we both left the bathroom, with me replying “Yeah,” or “I guess so” every once in a while. Dude probably thought I was a dick (hah, pun!), but I could care less.
I don’t like talking to people I don’t know anyway. DO NOT interrupt me in the bathrom. EVER, for fucks’s sake.