Category Archives: Computers are Dumb

Commence Media Empire

http://theunimpressive.tumblr.com/

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Regarding: Pitchfork Top 500

Make no mistake- I think Pitchfork is the most pretentiously douchey (music) publication that has ever existed. But that doesn’t stop me from hate-reading it daily and, even occasionally agreeing with their opinions. This has been especially true over the last several months- Phoenix, Sunn O))), Dinosaur Jr., Mos Def, Isis, Japandroids, and Bat For Lashes have all received their “Best New Music” certification (admittedly, anyone should think these are excellent records, BECAUSE THEY ARE. So it’s not like I’m applauding Pitchfork’s ability to not avoid the fish filling it’s barrel to the brim). Continue reading

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Filed under Blowing It, Computers are Dumb, Deal With It, Earplugs, Empty Promises/Threats, Hipsterism, I Am Still Punk, I call them 'records' and not 'cds' because I'm an elitist, Lameness, Pontification On Things That Shouldn't Concern Me, Ranting, Waste

My Favorite Website Ever?

I can no longer doubt the validity of Tumblr.

I like this website so much I didn’t want to just twitter it: Fuck Yeah, T-Shirts Continue reading

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Filed under Computers are Dumb, Deal With It, I call them 'records' and not 'cds' because I'm an elitist, Ranting

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

[Or: Brian Steals His Ideas From The Head]

Writer’s block is the proverbial bitch. Let’s jack Travis Keller’s questions for people more notable and talented than I, shall we? I need something to fertilize my creativity.

1. What artist inspired you to create art?
Jimmy Page, Kurt Cobain, Ian MacKaye, Maurice Sendak, Shel Silverstein, Spike Jonze

2. What or who still inspires you to keep on keeping on?
Dawn, family, fucked up music, Anthony Bourdain, Hemingway

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Blah-ndora Internet Blah-dio

I’ve given Pandora Radio months of chances. I’ve put my faith in the science of music- only to find out there is no such thing. And I’ve been forced to come up with only one conclusion-
dreadfully, Yahoo! Launch Radio is better.
Yuck. I feel like one of those assholes contending that “The Zune really is better than the iPod!” out of a sense of misguided contrarianism.
I don’t even know if the Yahoo (fuck exclamation points) radio thing is even still around. Last I checked it didn’t support Macs OR Firefox, which is beyond retarded, so I’ve boycotted it ever since. But it did (does?) have a few things going for it- actually, one major thing: the intelligent “Don’t Ever Play This Again” button. Say I type in “Nirvana” (because I’m grunge) and it plays Lithium… immediately followed by Pearl Jam or Pudddddle of Mudddd or some other ridiculous shit, I click the button, the software learns I only like Nirvana and not horrible shit, and the world is happy.
But science gets in the way over at Pandora, and unfortunately I’m convinced that science gets in the way of music. Pandora breaks down the songs (as opposed to the artists) into formulas- minor key songs, rock-and-roll instrumentation songs, songs with “excessive vamping” (I didn’t know what that meant either). And then it mathematically combines all these variables, and I get… Radiohead.
All the time, with the boring-ass Radiohead. I would never tell it to seach for Radiohead’s acoustic b-sides and whatever else. The one positive aspect was that I was able to come up with a new term for Thom Yorke- Downs-Elf. It’s pretty self-explanatory, and I apologize to the Downs- community, but it had to be said.
And just because I like Jay-Z DOS NOT MEAN I WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH 2-PAC. Sure, I can say “Don’t play this song for a month” to Pandora, but what about the 5000 other posthumous 2-Pac songs, or the rest of the extensive Downs-Elf catalog? [Note- This just happend as I was typing- I thumbs-downed a Downs-Elf song, and 6 songs later it plays Creep. Arrrgh.]
That’s all I’ve got, but at least I might have managed to offend the Downs-Syndrome Community (sorry), White Kid Wannabe Gangsters (not at all sorry), and people who like “Artistic, Creative, Mindblowing” music (hahahahaa, fucking Radiohead fans are the WORST).
And on a positive note, at least it’s playing Straight Outta Compton at the moment, though I’m sure my joy will be short-lived.

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Filed under Blowing It, Computers are Dumb, Deal With It, Hipsterism, I Am Still Punk, I call them 'records' and not 'cds' because I'm an elitist

Why I Try Not To Write About Music (UPDATED)

[When I originally wrote this, the Buddyhead website was down (way down), but, merely a day or two after I clicked “Post,” theyre back (way back). Even with a new gossip post! It’s like 2002 all over again! So, in short, THEY WIN.]

Because there are a few people that do it far better (and far less annoyingly).
If you’re interested, check these out (in no particular order):
Buddyhead– the original and best. They’ve mellowed out (at least in terms of spending time on the internet), but have always been unstoppable. Much to the chagrin of their enemies (countless), they actually know what they are talking about and have great tast in music (I’m willing to forgive the Oasis-worship, dudes). For god’s sake, they’re language artists, brah.
Stereogum– All around top quality (and it’s sister site, Videogum, is one of the best sites of any category, ever)
Idolator– Interesting articles, less news-reporty than Stereogum or BV.
An Aquarium Drunkard– Low post volume, but of the absolute highest quality, musically, aesthetically, and writing-wise. Stunningly good.

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And The Award For Current Best-Thing-In-The-World Goes To…

The Fake Nick Cave Twitter.
Far better than the Fake Steve Jobs blog. Classic gems (I just coined that phrase).
Highlights:
-Opening a vegetarian restaurant called “Murder Salads
-Attempting to one-up Jarvis Cocker’s tie choices
-Consistent mustache-groomery
-Being unable to tell if he’s speaking to Blixa or his answering machine
-Tagging, and then untagging himself from Mick Harvey’s facebook

Really, it’s just hundreds of Nick Cave nerd in-jokes. Good thing I’m a Nick Cave nerd.

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